A Dream of Smile

I had the most beautiful dream of my life. A dream that could never wake me up as it could never happen anymore. It is all because of love, a love that always remains as forever. This love I’d offered to a girl whom I’d met and accompanied for over four years in high school, but I fell on this love after we departed with each other. I am her friend, and she is my special friend. I’d use to greet her every morning with a smiling face, and she used to pinch my chicks and say that I’m “baby-face.” That was my first unforgettable experience with her when we are in the first year until we’ve got the second year in high school. Every minute and seconds are just normal, a feeling of mutual friendship and the sharing of thoughts that made us closer.

One big mistake that I’ve made was when we had a misunderstanding. She was very sorry to me for what had happened, but I was filled with anger that broke our bonds of friendship.

For over a year, we didn’t have any communications even though we’re just in one room as if she’s just a ghost forcing myself to forget her and feel that I’d never met her. Deep inside was so much pain in my heart. How I wished to look on her eyes again, to see her smiles to me and hear her voice and stories back. We used to pass by with each other but could not feel anything. My pride had eaten and swallowed me.

Until we faced our last year of high school life, everything had changed. Everyone felt their new companionship with one another. Everyone was enjoying and spending their time to be with one another that I too felt it. This was the time I’d realized that everything I’ve done was just all wasted.

I drew strength in me and planned to talk to her and be friends again. It happened when we had a gathering of youth, and as we are walking on the road, I’d saw her carrying her bag, I’d hurriedly and gently approached her to bring her bag, and she stared at me for a very long time; her face seemed confused as she may be thinking why I approached her.

Suddenly, she smiled at me, looking straight at my eyes and gave her bag. I felt so different at that time as if everything went back, our smiles remained in our faces, and our eyes still amazed looking at each other. I don’t even know what will be the next words that I could tell her. My smile was locked up, and my throat was dried up until she began the first word as she asked me, “How are you now?” I could not even answer quickly and just said, “I’m okay!” I could not even say sorry to her. We were both silents until we departed with each other after the gathering, but I was so happy, for I knew we could be friends again. On the next day, I did not waste any time to approach her.

Smile, it is the best symbol for two people to show they are okay with one another. She gave me her great smile, a smile I didn’t receive for such a long time. I’d approached her and say sorry for everything. We began opening ourselves again, promising never to be apart anymore, vowing to enjoy our last year and time being together and to be friends forever. All those promises were fulfilled except with the previous. After our graduation, I entered seminary, fulfilling my dream to become a priest that suddenly made my heart divided; love for God and a love for women. Everything was changed. I felt this love from the moment she entered my mind and could do nothing, from the moment I missed her and all those times we’ve been together, her eyes, her smile, her chicks, her lips, her face, everything. As I stay inside, the more I wanted to show my love outside. I was fallen, and no one to catch me. I fell in love with her, and I’d asked myself, “why?” Why I felt this love now that she’s already too far from my side.

I wished to be with her again, but I could not do anything. One silent night, I dreamt of her. I held her hand and told her all that I felt, and she accepted me. I wished it will never end then suddenly the bell rang, and I woke up. It was a beautiful dream with a painful ending. I realized how those dreams helped me to cope up and comfort my heart. I don’t even know where, when or how it began, but as long as my heart is beating, I said, “I will always love her until the end.”

I’d already spent almost eight years staying inside the seminary, asking how she is. I even used to send her birthday cards before, wanting to show my hidden feelings on her. How I wished to tell her so. Going back five years ago, I had the chance to talk to her when I’d borrowed a cell phone and texted her; I stored strength to tell her my real feelings, a feeling that is more than friendship. After a long while, she replied to me, “I don’t like to destroy your vocation and the dream of your family.” I could not say any words after that moment. I felt I was rejected by my friend who figured out to be just a friend. Her answers were not clear and were like an open-ended answer. I’d asked myself, “Could there be a chance for me to love her if I’m not here inside, or will our relationship could be more than friends if I’m here right by your side?” Until then, we didn’t have any communications anymore until now.

I realized then that closeness is the tendency to fall in love with another that even friends become lovers, but sadly, my friend could never be my lover. How I wished I could return in the past and let me feel the love that flows at last. Was it because I was hindered by many differences that made us opposites? A realization that being opposite to one another is not a hindrance to love as she was so different from the moment we’ve met until we graduated. She was so amazing, unique, and I who could never be worthy to her, I, who was just a simple guy.

Spending those days thinking of her always inspired me to continue my vocation and pursue my dream. I wanted to ask her what her real answers were. After all, I returned to myself empty-handed, and my heart seemed broken. I’m still hoping to save my heart that drowned to a woman who could never be mine and love me as I am. “Does she already have any lover?”

I realized inside me the beauty of a smile, a smile of a friend that will never be lost, and a smile of a lover that will be forever. Hoping we could see each other again and ask her what kind of smile she will give to me. From this moment, I will always have the chance to see that smile of friendship; and dreaming that smile to be a smile that will last forever. I was hoping to see her with a perfect feeling on me. I am his friend. I was his friend, and this is the story of my dream, a dream to a friend, and a dream of love. This is my story…how about you? What is the story of your smile?

“There were many stories untold that sometimes we are the only ones who can understand,

There were many feelings we cannot express that only we can feel it,

There were many decisions that we will regret for a lifetime that we can never turn back,

There were many experiences that we like to return; in the end, it will never happen again.”