HER

MARCH 18, 2021

I had a hard time sleeping last night. It was always like a flashback on me. I kept remembering my past, my decisions, and my regrets wishing to return and change all of them. I just realized I could not do anything about them anymore but face and focus on the present. Whatever I am now is because of what I made of myself before, yet I asked myself, who am I and what I am in case I continue this and that? Will I still regret something now? Will I even chase something, someone now? Will I be happy in the end?

I gave up on someone I dreamt about. I love her. I believed before that “If you love someone, set her free. Give her freedom to love you back.” However, here I am, alone because no one loved me back. I keep on asking myself, what if I fought my love for her? Will she fight for me too? I did not even have the chance to ask her back if I have any opportunities, nor If she can love me the way I love her. I loved her too much that I was willing to give up everything yet, I gave up on her. I realized she is my everything.

Here I am, regretting that one decision that changed everything about me. Every night is like a coming storm that destroys me inside. As I wake up, nothing is left in me. I always see her in my dreams. Even in those dreams, it was tragic. It was always just a glimpse of her face before leaving, and I cannot do anything about it. Nights are traitors. They will let you remember all the memories you already buried a long time ago. It will allow you to look at yourself buried in all the decisions you never wanted. They are like thieves stealing your happiness at the moment and will put you in a situation you can do nothing.

We have two instances; sometimes we fell in love with someone we knew a very long time, our friend, while the other is that you are both strangers. I fell in love with my friend. I knew her long enough. We have been friends for a long time, and that’s it. It all ended with my confession she refused to believe maybe, or she cannot accept. The last message I got is that she does not want my vocation to be affected. I do not know if she rejected me nor if I have a chance. I did not fight for her. I was a fool for not giving myself a chance to explain. It was a painful memory, a tragic memory I will never forget before I sleep, and a nightmare that wakes me up in the middle of the night.

Two actions of a lover constantly trigger me and ask which is true. First, “if you love someone, let her go because love is freedom; it always involved freedom.” If you love her, set her free. Give her freedom to love you back since you loved her free from the start. No one forced you to love her. In that way, no one experiences possessiveness nor dominion.

Letting go of her does not mean you will not do anything anymore; you stay as a friend if you can. You remain a good listener and some who take care of her even though she needs you. You are willing to wait for her response. You hope that your patience and friendship you gave will go forward and transcend into the love you are dreaming about. You always tell yourself, “someday, somehow, she will learn to love me back.” And then one day, you will realize that she got bored with you because the effort you are making is not enough to win her heart nor to make her feel your love. Not every woman is like those, yet most of them are on the other side of a person. They like someone willing to fight for them but will not be chosen in the end.

Secondly, “if you love her, you should fight for it, win her and do everything to make her love you.” The friendship is in danger. You might turn to strangers; after all, yet you are not concern about it happening. With this action, there were many possible scenarios. Yes, you are fighting for your love, but she might be the one who will give up on you.

There were a lot of uncertainties. Whether you give up or fight for it, destiny will speak of itself. Well, I do not believe in the future nor fate because we are free and can decide our actions. Either you pursue or give up; it is up to you if you continue.

It was my mistake the moment I did not pursue her, and now I am lost. I lost everything. She was my everything. Nothing remained as I cut myself from her. I wished I fought for her. Nights remind me how empty I am and how foolish for letting go of a treasure I hold on to for a very long time. I love her until now, and I do not think it will diminish, for she is the one making me alive all this time, giving me the strength to look for her. Though, I know it will not end well with me. At least before my last breath, I hope I can find and see her again.